Handout for Myth #7

You Will ALWAYS Feel

Unconditional Love for your Children

IF YOU WERE LOOKING FOR A JOB,
WOULD YOU ANSWER THIS WANT-AD?

MOTHER WANTED. Position:

Job Description:
• Challenging work in an often chaotic environment.
• Communication and organizational skills necessary, and willingness to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends, and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. In other words, FLEXIBILITY and no rest.
• Permanent position – for the rest of your life
• Priorities need to be service, humility, and love
• Involves lots of physical activity, and must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule
• Workable knowledge of psychological theories, and child-rearing techniques
• Trained in medical emergencies
• Working knowledge of small engines, heat/air systems, basic plumbing, automobile service, garage door openers, and washer/dryer operations
• High level critical thinking and problem solving skills necessary
• Fluent in beginning language, nonverbal communication, and interpretation of gesturing behaviors
• Sharp and intuitive empathic and sympathetic skills
• Personality must be serious yet fun, disciplined yet spontaneous, poised yet affectionate, compassionate yet not too emotional
• God-fearing, Christian female preferred
Responsibilities:
• Must integrate and maintain many calendars
• Must know all group food preferences, and buy and prepare all meals accordingly
• Must have the ability to plan and organize social gatherings for “clients” of all ages, mental outlooks, and abilities
• Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and left out the next
• Must perform all clothes and linen service -- laundry, folding, dry cleaning, changing sheets on cribs and beds
• Must always hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst
• Must assume some accountability for the quality of the end product
• Must do floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the entire facility
• Must deal with the possibility of family members or co-workers coming in the front door and leaving their brain on the entry-way table
• Must always be on top of the latest fashion for children, babies, and Moms, plus be aware of innovative interior decorating techniques for nurseries, playrooms, house in general (like choosing colors that “pop”)
• Must be prepared to not freak out with sudden loud noises like slamming doors, breaking dishes, dropping silverware and toys, and cries of anger, joy, or injury
• Must manage all service calls for home maintenance and repair
• Must be on top of all housekeeping chores like dusting, scrubbing, bathrooms, windows
• Must be able to drive a car and a van
• Must possess financial skills—budgeting, check balancing, online accounts and banking


People who accept this position must possess more than just a willingness to do the right thing – they must meet the requirements of this ad repeatedly, with little positive feedback, and without formal training. And Moms do . . . all the time.
Dirty diapers, endless errands, sleepless nights, changes in body image, etc. –what is it that makes Moms do this? Could it be unconditional love?

TRANSFERRING MY HEART-FELT LOVE TO MY CHILDREN

The discussion about this myth, “you will always feel unconditional love for your children,” needs to begin with clarification about the difference between Mothers making a choice in favor of: unconditional love vs. consistently showing feelings of love. This is not a conflict. The two are different. We can have unconditional love yet not always consistently show (or even have) feelings of love.
Explanation: I believe that, as Moms, we love our children because of who they are, not what they do. This means that we unconditionally love our children. Our love doesn’t “disappear” when we are having a bad day, or when our children are having a bad day. That unconditional love, however, is manifested in many different ways. When we have difficulty with our children we feel confused, frustrated, fatigued, fear failure, experience lack of feedback and loneliness. These emotions can and often do drown out our “love feelings.” Furthermore, we think we observe “perfect” Moms who seem to always be calm, loving, and patient-- which make us feel even more alone. We could ask ourselves: “are those Moms truly that way, are we just not seeing everything, or are they Moms who cannot risk being real?” What do you think?
What can unconditional love for my children “look like?”
• A desire for my children’s highest good even though it may not look or feel that way
• Perseverance through hardships
• Not dependent upon reciprocity
• Full of conflicting emotions like disappointment, fear, affection, anger, hurt, joy, confusion, peace, sadness, lament, excitement
• A range of responses like protection, guilt, denial, euphoria, tenderness
• Not indifferent
• Not always an emotional high
• Drawing me near to my children even when they are rebellious
• A choice that continues even though emotions may not support
• Challenging
• Never ending

Story of unconditional love:
THIS IS LOVE by Renee Swope

I was driving my son to school one morning when out of the blue I started wondering what makes him feel loved. I assumed it was when I buy him something, or when I make his favorite food, or when I let him have a friend over. Basically, I figured he feels most loved when I give him what He wants.
I decided to ask him. “Andrew, what makes you feel loved?”
He sat there quietly, thinking. Then he blurted out a surprising answer.
“THIS!”
“This?” I asked.
“Yeah, Mom. This. You being with me. You driving me to school and talking to me about my day. You telling me you’ll be there when I get home. That makes me feel loved. Thanks, Mom. I love you, bye!” And he hopped out of the car.
This is love?
You mean I don’t have to run out and buy something? Me being there for him is love? Even after I was harsh with my words yesterday prompting him to ask if I was mad about something. Still, this is love?

As I drove away, I wondered if God were to ask me what makes me feel loved, what would I say? Immediately my heart whispered, “Lord, this is love. You asking and caring. You being there. You keeping Your promises like You said You would.”
This is love.
A promise that is kept.
A place that is certain.
Someone who asks.
Someone who listens.
Someone who is present again and again. Forever.
We are loved. We don’t have to wait for God to show it. He already has! He sent His Son so that we could know Him in an intimate relationship. Then He promised He’d always be there for us, and He is. He is present and listening. Asking and caring. No matter what we are going through today, we can live in His love. And we can love from the overflow of being loved. We can know and rely on God’s promises and presence, and be made complete in Him.


QUESTIONS:
1. Have I been surprised by my Mom job description?

2. Has being a Mom been a big adjustment for me?

3. What do I do with the negative emotions I feel like guilt, anger, and hurt during the times when I believe that I should be feeling only positive emotions about my children?

4. How do I feel when I admit: mothering is hard work and it’s a job I can’t quit. Once I have a child, there is no longer the option to stop being a Mom.

5. Do I question whether or not I feel unconditional love for my child?


Matthew 5:48 “Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”
Malachi 3:6 “For I, the Lord, do not change; therefore you, O sons of Jacob, are not consumed.”
Matthew 10:34-36 “Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be the members of this household.”
Isaiah 65:2 “I have spread out My hands all day long to a rebellious people, who walk in the way which is not good, following their own thoughts.”
Matthew 23:27 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like white-washed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness.”
Matthew 10:22, 38 “And you will be hated by all on account of My name, but it is the one who has endured to the end who will be saved. 38: And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.”
Matthew 23:37 “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were unwilling.”
Isaiah 63:9-10 In all their affliction He was afflicted, and the angel of His presence saved them; in His love and in His mercy He redeemed them; and He lifted them and carried them all the days of old. But they rebelled and grieved His Holy Spirit; therefore, He turned Himself to become their enemy, He fought against them.
Deuteronomy 32:19-20, 23-24 And the Lord saw this, and spurned them because of the provocation of His sons and daughters. Then He said, I will hide My face from them, I will see what their end shall be; for they are a perverse generation, sons in whom is no faithfulness.
Jeremiah 12:7-8 “I have forsaken My house, I have abandoned My inheritance; I have given the beloved of My soul into the hand of her enemies. My inheritance has become to Me like a lion in the forest; she has roared against Me; therefore I have come to hate her.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5
Deuteronomy 32:15, 18 But Jeshurun grew fat and kicked—you are grown fat, thick, and sleek—then he forsook God who made him, and scorned the Rock of his salvation. “You neglected the Rock who begot you, and forgot the God who gave you birth.”
Deuteronomy 32:10-11 He found him in a desert land, and in the howling waste of a wilderness; He encircled him, He cared for him, He guarded him as the pupil of His eye. Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that hovers over its young, He spread His wings and caught them, He carried them on His pinions.
James 1:7 For let not that man expect that he will receive anything from the Lord
Luke 10:27 And he answered and said, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.”
Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.
Ephesians 5:2 And walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.
1 John 4:8 The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.